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Mutant Chronicles review4 out of 5 light cycles
He gets stabbed right through the head with a spike-for-a-hand. Yeah, that's right. You heard me. This ain't gonna be wind-swept dramitic vistas (although it tries) or deep soul-searching questions (it tries this too) and be a success. What it does best is convey a futuristic world of grim steam-punk beset by horrors from beyond hell being produced by the 5000 year old "The Machine".
Samual (played by Ron Pearlman, you know, hellboy? it was asked why he takes these roles?!) gathers 20 soldiers to quest into the maw of the machine to destroy it with a holy bomb. Mmm hmm, holy mutha-truck'n bomb. Well, they can't get 20 soldiers because the rich folk are all fleeing the planet so he can only get 12.
Enter stage left stereo types 101. The handsome african american full of faith captain (guess who dies first?), the young asiatic woman with 61 confirmed kills, the pudgy foul mouthed hispanic with the biggest gun and finally Mitch the world weary American who has lost his faith in humanity (guess who's the foil?).
While I'll lambast the trite dungeon crawl/WW II war buddy/horrorfest for it's uncreativity I will say I love this stuff. God, I feel cheap. When the mutants come spilling out of the underworld onto the battlefield between two armies and tear the heck out of both of them...pure gold. Want to see humanity eat itself while trying to get onto the last fugative ships to escape, yes please!
Artistically the movie does a nice job dulling up backgrounds and clothing so when blood does spatter across the landscape you can really appreciate it's contrast. Did I mention a hand full of people get stabbed right in the head? Pure action gold. If you have a penchant for cheesy sci-fi this is the perfect movie for you. There are plenty of action scenes that try their darndest to erase the plodding "righteous" moments.
Here's your quote, er, it had to be edited so CHG doesn't come down on me!
Severian: What do you believe in?
Maj. 'Mitch' Hunter: I don't get paid to believe, I get paid to f' shtuff up.
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